Gay Meerkats: The Story So Far

This is Aleksandr Orlov, CEO and founder of comparethemeerkat.com:

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He is a meerkat, and he is also a billionaire. His business is, as the name would suggest, comparing meerkats. He inherited this business from his father, founder of comparethemeerkat.cart and comparethemeerkat.shop.

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Aleksandr lives in Meerkovo, Russia. He’s apparently quite a private man, as when I googled ‘Aleksandr Orlov mansion’ it came up with mostly pictures of the mansion owned by the founder of comparethemarket.com. God, guys, how many times do we have to say it? comparetheMEERKAT.com, comparetheMARKET.com – know which one you want! Here’s the one picture I could find though:

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Now we get to the important part. I cannot do this moment justice, so here is an excerpt from Aleksandr’s best-selling autobiography:

“Soon Stanislav [Aleksandr’s assistant] is ready for retire. He knew I needed some help so he suggest I work with his nephew. Stanislav’s nephew was Chief Designer of the Mir(kat) Space Program, but was having to leave his job because he fake a moon landing. So I invite him for chat.

One day, there was a knock on the bell. Full of shyness, a grey bespectacled meerkat walked into the shop. (I think you know who this is.)

This passage is, of course, in reference to Aleksandr first meeting Sergei. To dedicate an entire chapter in his book to how they met is certainly very telling – or perhaps illuminating is the better word, for the softness with which he speaks of Sergei with shows what is yet to come in their relationship.

And there is a lot yet to come.

For yes, these two meerkats – one humble, the other not so much, live together, work together, and make movies together. Nobody watches these movies, of course. They just make them for fun.

Their comfortable life together was turned upside down when, one stormy night, a delivery appeared on their doorstep:

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Baby Oleg! Only the cutest gosh darned CGI baby meerkat to ever walk this earth! But gosh – whatever will Aleksandr and Sergei do? They don’t know how to care for a baby! If only there were a popular fanfiction trope they could read up on to help them out.

Naturally, because look at how cute Oleg is, they decide to raise him together. This results in adorable and hilarious shenanigans. Here are some highlights for you:

 

Thanks, I want to cry now.

Anyway, this is not the happy ending you were hoping for: On a trip to Africa,

Oleg found other baby meerkats just like him. For the first time in his little life, he had friends. He asked to stay. Aleksandr and Sergei realised that here Oleg could have opportunities he wouldn’t get in Russia, and so tearfully left him in the care of the meerkats in Africa. It was really emotional, guys. I cried when I first watched it.

So Aleksandr and Sergei return to Russia, childless and heartbroken. One would imagine this created something of a rift in their relationship, but they don’t let it get to them. In fact, they go to Hollywood, land of opportunity (is it? I really don’t know.)

It’s great. I’m starting to get paranoid that I’m putting too many photos in this post, however, so I’m going to ease off for a bit. They meet Arnold Schwarzenegger,  whose name I can’t spell, and discover their latest promotion, two for one cinema tickets! Hollywood is clearly treating them well, because now they can go on date nights half price! Not that money is a problem, of course.

The Hollywood mansion they share is beautiful, but we’ll get to that shortly. Now is the time to address the Oleg shaped hole in their lives.

They head off on a family roadtrip in their new RV, just the two of them, and Sergei laments over missing Oleg. This is when Aleksandr decides to spring some news on him: They’re expecting a new addition to the family! (not like that, you perverts). They’re adopting a son, who is none other than Child Star Macaulay Culkin! He’s a bit bigger than they expected him to be, but no worry! A son is a son. They have a great day.

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Our story is coming to a close soon (for now…), but I have one major event left to cover. (I just realised I forgot when Aleksandr took flowers to Sergei in the hospital but thats not it so you’ll have to imagine it for yourself.)

Nicole Kidman.

I’m gonna let the screencaps tell the story for you, because nothing I could type could express the raw emotion of this story arc:

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When I say that actual newspapers were covering the possibility of Nicole Kidman splitting up Aleksandr and Sergei, I Am Not Kidding. This was a big deal. We were getting close to Christmas, the people of twitter were voting, and the future was uncertain. But it worked out fine in the end! The People of the UK voted, and for once they voted correctly. Sergei chose Aleksandr, and peace was restored to the universe.

This is where I leave you, dear reader. There’ve been a few other points in their story, but this should get you up to speed. Currently, there are robots and Sergei is Steve Jobs now, but again, non essential.

For now, I’ll leave you with this slightly blurry screencap of their romantic cruise that I forgot to add into this story:

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