You need to read this fanfiction we wrote in 2015

Hi. It’s been a couple of days since I last posted, mostly because the post I’m currently writing has needed a lot more research than anticipated, so here’s something easy: a Star Trek fic my friend (Heather) wrote in 2015, with a lot of help from me.

I’ve kept our original annotations in, pink is me, blue is Heather.

Chapter 1: The Sound of……

“Are you saying that…that thing…can travel faster than warp 10?” The Captain leant forwards in his chair as he said this, as if the position he was sitting in would have any effect on their current circumstances. A common occurrence amongst humans, Spock noted, especially when they were under pressure.

“Aye, Captain, we cannae do nothin’!” The distinctive accent of the Chief Engineer could be heard through the comm. A little piece of Spock’s heart died everytime he heard such a majestic, exotic tongue. He pushed away the illogical thought, being careful to restrain his emotions as always. Thinking like that was inappropriate, and even if it weren’t, he was on duty. He should be focusing on work, not that beautiful, beautiful voice.

Before Kirk had the chance to reply, however, Uhura turned from her station to address him. “Captain, it’s trying to……communicate.”

Kirk inhaled sharply, running his hands through his hair “Open all frequencies, Lieutenant.”

Uhura eyed him incredulously for a moment. Watching the exchange, Spock couldn’t help but wonder if she was going to comment on the absurdity of the order. But all she replied with was “Yes, sir.”

– – –

10 seconds later, a face appeared on the screen. Mouth hanging open, the Captain squinted at it; he knew that face, hell, he grew up with that face. That was the very face that haunted his dreams at such a very young age. He took in the big smile plastered (literally) onto a perfect skin-coloured oval. Yes, he remembers all too clearly; the sadistic look in its eyes, the way it never really looked humanwhy would he have grown up watching it this is IN THE FUTURE well he looked old cartoons 😉

“Captain Kirk.” It whispered and with a jolt Jim stood up. The voice, oh god, it was so – so english.#stopcrueltytoengland2k15 It reminded him of- what was that actors name again- Snickerdoodle Cabbagepatch/ Barflesnarp Crumpleface/ Blueberry PumpkinPatch? be honest here, heather. did you google different names of benny c?-he could never get the name quite right.also, these guys are 200 years in the future, whats the likelihood of them knowing benny c? benny c was a legend i got the names from tumblr dont hate

Kirk swore as the screen cut off.

“Captain, it’s gone….” Jim breathed in deeply, sitting back into his chair, he could feel his arms shaking slightly.

“Sulu how far away are we from New Vulcan?”

Just as Sulu was about to open his mouth to speak he was cut off.

“Forget it, take us out of wa-”

– – –

Spock was flung off his chair, hitting his head on the rail. He quickly stood up, assessing the situation. Half the crew were on the floor, including the Captain.

“Shit. What happened?” Kirk said as he stood up.

“It seems as if the entity collided with the ship, Captain.” Kirk swore again as he touched his head, wincing at the pain.

Distinct English laughter erupted across the bridge.

“Mister Spock, take the Council to the transporter room now.” Jim commanded, helping his crew to their feet. Spock nodded. As he walked away he heard a sound so low, so quiet, only a vulcan could have heard it. The sound of nightmares, a sound that rattled his very core, the sound of a locomotive……

Choo Choo   if you change this line i s2g


Chapter 2: The Fat Commander

“Scotty, how are the engines?”

Jim got no reply; only static. The whole bridge was in chaos.

“Kirk to transporter room, spock do you copy?”


“Sulu, take the con, I’m going to the transporter room.”

“Aye sir.”

When Jim got there his heart deflated. He quickly inflated it again with the love of the flying spaghetti monster. Smiling to himself he whispered, “check yourself before you shrek yourself.”LEAVE IT i s2g  you were clearly high on memes when you wrote this its exquisite

And with that he flew-YES, FLEW- to the controls.

“Mister Spock, doth thou decipher me?”

heather you need to not leave gaps between paragraphs  

More static. Suddenly……

“Bitch please. It’s T’pock now.”


“Eggs and bacon you are mistaken Jim.” Spock-whoops-T’pock answered.

“What. The. Hell.” There was no doubt that was Spock’s voice but it seemed a bit…different. If Mario was slightly Irish he wondered to himself, quite racistly.

“Don’t go bacon my heart” T’Pock cried.

New confidence welled up from deep within, probably from the FSM or Shrek.

“I couldn’t even if I fried.” he smiled back.

The reunion was cut short when Sulu rushed in.

“Captain, he’s back.” Sulu puffed out. Kirk narrowed his eyes; scrunching up his nose and inhaling he whispered deadly,


– – –

“Quickly, Sulu, you are the only one who can save us now.” Jim said as he threw the weapon to Sulu. Chekov tuttered. No wonder he’s here, Chekov thought, the ruler is Shatner resistant afterall. Sulu brandished the ruler, quickly jabbing Bill in the stomach.

“Captain, it’s no use, he’s too fat!”

“Aim for his toupE!” Kirk shouted. Before Sulu could even raise the weapon, Shatner pushed him off his feet, then flinged him towards the transporter deck shouting, “WHERE’S THE DINGLE DANGLE?!”

Kirk swore, he’d been hiding it for months now and if he wasn’t careful Bill would realise that he was the one who put in too much oil.



Council beamed aboard- cue literal breakdancing horrified screms. “oh god not literal breakdancing” everyone cries.

Vulcans rapping to kanye west while Sarek bitch slaps shatner into a wall-council sings “they see me roling, they hating” church singing-style harmony – Council goes ayyyyyyyyyy some bones are crushed (literal breakdancing obvs) they high five using ta’al (cue explosions).

Meanwhile convo between tpockie and jimmie boy- “tpock do you phil?”

“yes i phil you”=tpock

“Please don’t feel me”-Jim

Repairs going on with enterprise. Enterprise has a fling with another ship. Train finds out very sad cue chick flick sad soundtrack and ben and jerrys ice cream 😦

Miscommunication- suddenly a wild ed miliband gets beamed aboard! Gets the shit beaten out of him by spock beacuse spock. Ed mils gets beaten up by council awh bad day for him eh 😥 (someone else needs ben and jrrys ice cream) cue literal breakdancing and gangster vulcans( their special attack is violent mind melds and holding random peoples hands -ooOOOOoOoOoO thats pretty extreme for vulcans trust)

yes spock is now female, sammy you cant just go around asking what gender spock is muy racist no?

Ed gets beaten up so much he gets flung off the enterprise when train gets revenge on enterprise boom explosion again and oops we need a new labour leader (so thats what really happened in the general elections…)

5 years lateri

spock has a garden! Where theres a garden, theres always a Gove, “ its the chief whip!” gets beaten up by spock when talks about GoT. Spock resumes the enthralling description of what happens in GoT (topck watches GoT?). cue credits

cue evil english laughter (poor benny c) and a  choo choo just for good measure. 🙂

You know I wrote a good story thing (more like paragraph) on jar jar binks/spock its on my twitter somewhere :/


2 thoughts on “You need to read this fanfiction we wrote in 2015

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